Friday, January 14, 2011

Walker's wetland

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about Gov. Scott Walker's plan to sidestep a DNR review of a threatened wetland:

Anonymous Commenter: Ktown Kev

Anonymous Comment: "I fully support Walker taking steps to defang the DNR. I'm tired of seeing them stepping in and stifling development and trampling the rights of property owners.

Hopefully this is just one of many of these actions that will spur development and create jobs."

Probable Bio: Ktown Kev is most likely Gov. Scott Walker.

A personal aside: Can you believe this fucking guy? I mean, look at him. It's like he just got smacked in the face with a trout. Seriously, this isn't a candid shot of him after he finished tugging one out to his wife's Marie Claire. This is, like, an official headshot. He's what my brother calls a "goofpaste": a doughy, dopey white guy who probably dropped out of college (it's funny 'cause it's true), and looks like he just shit his pants.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Racial profiling

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about new procedures to determine if police are stopping drivers based on race:

Anonymous Commenter: rod paulsonodp8449

Anonymous Comment: "Here's a thought-----4 black guys walking towards you or 4 white guys. Why does a chicken cross the road.........."

Probable Bio: As the stale eggnog/B.O. stench of the holidays quickly fades, and the spicy, slightly Patrick Duffy-esque aroma of 2011 takes hold, a brand new year of possibilities stretches before us. Peace in the Middle East, a robust economy, and a bold re-imagining of Hamburger: The Motion Picture are just a few of the many exciting goals we as a nation can achieve. Come on, people. These Dick Butkus bobbleheads aren't exactly selling themselves.

Here at AnonymousComm (that's our new Twitter handle, yo), we're thrilled to kick off 2011 with a comment from rod paulsonodp8449, a smart, erudite social observer in the vein of Oscar Wilde and Joseph Mitchell. Oops, just kidding. He's just another dumb Wisconsin redneck and a total piece of shit.

Before embarking on his less-than-lucrative career as a racist putz, rod found some success in the world of mixed martial arts, a.k.a. professional nut-kicking. While undistinguished as an actual fighter, his in-ring antics made him a star. He was known to fluster his opponents with dramatic readings from Edward Packard's Choose Your Own Adventure series (Prisoner of the Ant People was particularly tricky), and would occasionally delight the crowd by eating his weight in stale bubble gum sticks from old Donruss hockey cards while humming the theme to Night Court.

A nasty, career-ending injury involving a can of creamed corn and a clearly inebriated Hugh Downs led to the realization of rod's many artistic ambitions. During the early-aughts, he joined a ragtag martial arts performance troupe that staged elaborate demos before screenings of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Art-house hipsters and middle-brow moms across the country were so impressed that they actually fooled themselves into believing Crouching Tiger was a good film, and not, in fact, another steaming turd from the pockmarked bottom of director Ang Lee.

These days, rod paulsonodp8449 leads a quiet, useless life. When he's not polluting websites with his inane (and anonymous!) comments, or sending Rebecca Kleefisch his toenail clippings via certified mail, he enjoys blasting Glenn Gould's 1981 re-recording of the Goldberg Variations while watching the 1989 Fred Savage/Howie Mandel vehicle, Little Monsters.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Gun store

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about two police officers who plan on suing a gun store:

Anonymous Commenter: deadmat5

Anonymous Comment: "There Milwaukee Cops. They got badges and they will do whatever they want. Cops get special treatment. They will prolly win this BS case. I hate Milwaukee cops. They got badges, so that makes them better then everyone else. They do what they want."

Probable Bio: You know those people who have really big gums but really small teeth? Or the ones who look like a post-Knots Landing Ted Shackelford? That's our deadmat5.

Born under unusual circumstances, deadmat5 was actually one of the area's first "test tube babies," not to mention the inspiration for "Weird Al" Yankovic's unfairly maligned 1988 deep cut, "I Think I'm a Clone Now." He excelled at macramé and co-ed broomball throughout his teens, and once shared a gas station restroom with a clearly confused, visibly frustrated Andrew Ridgeley. (Kids, ask your parents.)

Never one to shy away from controversy, deadmat5 made waves during his senior year of high school when he organized a sit-in to protest a teacher's unfair termination. While the egg heads in administration didn't feel six straight weeks of B.J. and the Bear re-runs qualified as a proper curriculum, deadmat5 and a handful of other students disagreed. The teacher was successfully reinstated after the dust-up, only to be killed by a door-to-door Roomba salesman later in the semester.

Now in his 20s, deadmat5 spends most of his free time enriching the news reading experience by making dip-shit comments like the one above. His pet peeves include Chevy trucks, NFL throwback uniforms, and Sonic Youth's contentious move to Geffen Records.

(Lest you think he's a total putz, deadmat5 recently changed his Facebook profile pic to a lithograph of Merv Griffin dry humping Shecky Greene, and cured Type 1 diabetes in the process.)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Detroit shooting

From a report about a shooting and subsequent car crash on I-75:

Anonymous Commenter: Jim789

Anonymous Comment: "This is Detroit for you. Uneducated blacks carrying guns everywhere and radom shooting people. Get lost all of you AND stay away from white suburbs you guy's are nothing but trouble."

Probable Bio: Sheesh, where do you start with this pile of shit? His bald-faced racism? His disgust with the troubled city he (maybe) calls home? His use of an apostrophe in the word "guys"? Whatever his deal is, it's clear we're dealing with yet another uneducated white asshole who enjoys leaving hateful—and anonymous!—comments on radom [sic] websites. That's Detroit for you!

But seriously, folks: Jim789 is most likely a tall, muscular ex-bodybuilder who moved to the Detroit 'burbs after spending a considerable amount of time in prison. (FYI: The Barbarian Brothers don't take kindly to inappropriate fan mail.) Twice divorced and loving it, this worthless putz spends his days organizing his exhaustive collection of celebrity "nip-slip" pictures, and his nights weeping uncontrollably in the bathroom of his neighborhood Dave & Busters. While not a music buff per se, Jim789 enjoys the work of Toad the Wet Sprocket (who knew?), and oftentimes finds himself humming the melody to "The Curly Shuffle" while taking a crap. His pet peeves include dandruff, long lines at the grocery store, and Frank Langella's portrayal of Skeletor in Masters of the Universe.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Mexican independence

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about a parade celebrating the 200th anniversary of Mexico's independence:

[Editor's note: As you might imagine, a story like this really brings out the mouth-breathing jackals (not to be confused with the mouth-breathing band, Jackyl). What follows is only one of the dozens of hateful and incendiary "comments" allowed to accompany this innocuous story. MJS: Join the conversation!]

Anonymous Commenter: taxmemore

Anonymous Comment: "I would have a parade too, if I invaded another country, got a food card, section 8, w2, had everything printed in spanish, got a job when the people in the country I invaded don't have one!! make up a ss# when I am in the hospital, so the U.S citizen pays for my healthcare. I drive the biggest SUV and I use all your gas, then the Americans will pay higher prices because we as a country use too much fuel! We can commit a crime and go back to our country without being detected. We send all of our money back to Mexico. sucking it right out of the U.S economy!!! No DL no insurance!!! Yep I would have a parade too."

Probable Bio: You're never going to believe this, but taxmemore is most likely a white, elderly, suburban-dwelling doofus who looks like a foot and smells like 15-year-old box of Cocoa Puffs. This dumb motherfucker made national headlines twice during the mid-80s, once for successfully suing the creators of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? for emotional distress (long story), and again after huffing an entire case of Turtle Wax and accosting future Vice President Dan Quayle in a PETCO restroom (not as long a story as you'd think).

Never one to mince (anonymous!) words, taxmemore is considered something of an expert on the subject of illegal immigration amongst his group of friends. Of course, since his group of friends consists solely of other anonymous troglodytes and his parole officer (Mondays and Wednesdays, plus one unannounced weekend visit), this distinctionin the honey-dipped words of Rick Springfieldis probably moot.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Health care

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about an increase in area health benefit costs:

Anonymous Commenter: nsf312

Anonymous Comment: "All you people blaming Obama are racists. Why don't you like black people? We all know the problem is Big Oil, Halyburton and Cheney and Nixon. Stand aside and let progressives progress!!"

Probable Bio: nsf312 belongs to that rarefied—not to mention totally retarded—group of anonymous commenters who employ sarcasm in voicing their useless opinions. This not-quite-groundbreaking technique is somewhat more interesting than the average approach (lots of typos, exclamation points, grunting sounds), yet exponentially more irritating. You see, nsf312's anonymous comment is funny because decent, right-leaning folks who disagree with President Obama are automatically accused of being racists, a deplorable phenomenon that happens exactly never. [Editor's note: nsf312 is a racist.]

Born into poverty, nsf312 spent his formative years in rural Wisconsin, doing odd jobs for down-on-their-luck endocrinologists and penning extensive liner notes for Mr. Mister box sets. An unfortunate incident at a local Farmers Market in the mid-90s—involving a cucumber, a fortune teller, and Ian Ziering—led to a lifelong distrust of all things "green," as well as a debilitating fear of culottes. Not surprisingly, he's been a smug, insufferable asshole ever since.

Shattering the anonymous commenter stereotype, nsf312 is actually a gainfully-employed, good-looking fellow who comes in well under 380 lbs. (somebody get Guinness on the horn!) A self-described lothario, his bedroom exploits are indeed impressive. He counts red wine and satin sheets among his vast array of seductive weapons, and typically "seals the deal" with a drunken, heavy petting-infused screening of An American Tail: Fievel Goes West.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Nancy Pelosi

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's speech before members of the American Legion:

Anonymous Commenter: TruDat I

Anonymous Comment #1: "A future worthy of their sacrifice? Does that mean she's promised to resign and move to Venezuela where the old hag belongs? Sweet!!"

Anonymous Comment #2: "I want to sincerely apologize for my 12:42 pm comment. At the time I posted it, the picture wasn't with the article. I honestly didn't know. When did she die?"

Anonymous Comment #3: "Hobbs - I believe she's a parrot...oh, wait, you said patriot...never mind."

Anonymous Comment #4: "Isn't there a law against aggravated ugliness?"

Anonymous Comment #5: "Who would like to see a picture of Pelosi naked?"

Probable Bio: TruDat is most likely a miserable, deluded dipshit who fancies himself an "extreme" prop comic, albeit one whose only prop is a bucket of his own flop-sweat. His one-note, "Nancy Pelosi is ugly" shtick is hardly cutting-edge, and further proof that comedians are the most depressing things on planet Earth. (Close second: comedy clubs.) In junior high, TruDat won the respect of his peers by briefly dating Delta Burke, and in high school, was voted "Most likely to form a Mac Davis tribute band." (Sadly, the Hard To Be Humblers would split after just two shows.) These days, he spends his many, many hours of free time commenting on newspapers' websites (anonymously, natch!), playing lawn jarts with his goldfish, and translating the collected works of Beverly Cleary into Esperanto.

(Fun Fact: "Bible Code" prophecies of TruDat's comments are hidden in the Authorized King James Version of Genesis. Along with "DALLAS63" and "TOWERSFALL," the words "PELOSI," "ANONYMOUS," and "SWEATPANTS" can easily be found.)