Drunk discipline

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about a county employee showing up drunk to a disciplinary hearing:

Anonymous Commenter: God Oh Mighty

Anonymous Comment: "If the guy is smart and the Union Brothers talked to him first, he should have said I drank after I got to the parking lot from a paper cup outside my car, the cup was flushed down the crapper before the meeting

Love Allah"

Probable Bio: God Oh Mighty's decidedly strange—not to mention anonymous!—comment is more puzzling than offensive, and clearly the work of a confused mind. Is this guy talking shit about unions? Sticking up for unions? What's with the "Love Allah" thing? Flushing a paper cup down "the crapper?" Listen pal, we'll handle the comedy on this site.

While we may never know his true intentions (and if we did, there's a pretty good chance they would involve Loni Anderson), we do know this for sure: God Oh Mighty is a 58-year-old man with a lantern jaw and the largest collection of "Coed Naked" shirts this side of the Mason-Dixon Line. The only child of a poor South Milwaukee seamstress and veteran character actor Don Ameche, he spent much of his early years playing "kick the can" with neighborhood friends, and the rest playing back-alley mumbley-peg with out-of-town baseball mascots. A curious child by nature, God Oh Mighty's early obsession with the mythical Sasquatch followed him into late middle-age. He's currently studying the infamous Patterson-Gimlin film, and claims if you look hard enough at frame 352, you can see a young John Lithgow taking a dump behind a tree. While certainly not book-smart in the traditional sense, God Oh Mighty is a thoughtful, voracious reader, and plans to tackle Flaubert's The Temptation of Saint Anthony just as soon as he finishes Bunnicula Strikes Again!

President Obama

From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's report on President Obama's impending visit to Menomonee Falls:

Anonymous Commenter: bass catcher 

Anonymous Comment: "Wait til this empty suit finds out that the High School team is the Indians, I can't believe he is visiting us proud bigots. Maybe he can visit our new non union Woodman's and screw that up like he is doing everything else. Maybe he can sign up all of our mosquitos as legal aliens so they can vote." 

Probable Bio: bass catcher is most likely a white male (duh) who peaked in high school and has never met a pair of Oakley sunglasses he didn't like. He was born with—and continues to enjoy—every advantage in life, though that doesn't stop him from being a complete dick about it. Let's be honest, his shtick is getting pretty tired, and it's only a matter of time before he meets his demise at the hands of a malfunctioning punch press. Until then, he remains a dumb motherfucker.