Anonymous Comment: "Here's a thought-----4 black guys walking towards you or 4 white guys. Why does a chicken cross the road.........."
Probable Bio: As the stale eggnog/B.O. stench of the holidays quickly fades, and the spicy, slightly Patrick Duffy-esque aroma of 2011 takes hold, a brand new year of possibilities stretches before us. Peace in the Middle East, a robust economy, and a bold re-imagining of Hamburger: The Motion Picture are just a few of the many exciting goals we as a nation can achieve. Come on, people. These Dick Butkus bobbleheads aren't exactly selling themselves.
Here at AnonymousComm (that's our new Twitter handle, yo), we're thrilled to kick off 2011 with a comment from rod paulsonodp8449, a smart, erudite social observer in the vein of Oscar Wilde and Joseph Mitchell. Oops, just kidding. He's just another dumb Wisconsin redneck and a total piece of shit.
Before embarking on his less-than-lucrative career as a racist putz, rod found some success in the world of mixed martial arts, a.k.a. professional nut-kicking. While undistinguished as an actual fighter, his in-ring antics made him a star. He was known to fluster his opponents with dramatic readings from Edward Packard's Choose Your Own Adventure series (Prisoner of the Ant People was particularly tricky), and would occasionally delight the crowd by eating his weight in stale bubble gum sticks from old Donruss hockey cards while humming the theme to Night Court.
A nasty, career-ending injury involving a can of creamed corn and a clearly inebriated Hugh Downs led to the realization of rod's many artistic ambitions. During the early-aughts, he joined a ragtag martial arts performance troupe that staged elaborate demos before screenings of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Art-house hipsters and middle-brow moms across the country were so impressed that they actually fooled themselves into believing Crouching Tiger was a good film, and not, in fact, another steaming turd from the pockmarked bottom of director Ang Lee.
These days, rod paulsonodp8449 leads a quiet, useless life. When he's not polluting websites with his inane (and anonymous!) comments, or sending Rebecca Kleefisch his toenail clippings via certified mail, he enjoys blasting Glenn Gould's 1981 re-recording of the Goldberg Variations while watching the 1989 Fred Savage/Howie Mandel vehicle, Little Monsters.
No comments:
Post a Comment