Racial profiling

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about new procedures to determine if police are stopping drivers based on race:

Anonymous Commenter: rod paulsonodp8449

Anonymous Comment: "Here's a thought-----4 black guys walking towards you or 4 white guys. Why does a chicken cross the road.........."

Probable Bio: As the stale eggnog/B.O. stench of the holidays quickly fades, and the spicy, slightly Patrick Duffy-esque aroma of 2011 takes hold, a brand new year of possibilities stretches before us. Peace in the Middle East, a robust economy, and a bold re-imagining of Hamburger: The Motion Picture are just a few of the many exciting goals we as a nation can achieve. Come on, people. These Dick Butkus bobbleheads aren't exactly selling themselves.

Here at AnonymousComm (that's our new Twitter handle, yo), we're thrilled to kick off 2011 with a comment from rod paulsonodp8449, a smart, erudite social observer in the vein of Oscar Wilde and Joseph Mitchell. Oops, just kidding. He's just another dumb Wisconsin redneck and a total piece of shit.

Before embarking on his less-than-lucrative career as a racist putz, rod found some success in the world of mixed martial arts, a.k.a. professional nut-kicking. While undistinguished as an actual fighter, his in-ring antics made him a star. He was known to fluster his opponents with dramatic readings from Edward Packard's Choose Your Own Adventure series (Prisoner of the Ant People was particularly tricky), and would occasionally delight the crowd by eating his weight in stale bubble gum sticks from old Donruss hockey cards while humming the theme to Night Court.

A nasty, career-ending injury involving a can of creamed corn and a clearly inebriated Hugh Downs led to the realization of rod's many artistic ambitions. During the early-aughts, he joined a ragtag martial arts performance troupe that staged elaborate demos before screenings of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Art-house hipsters and middle-brow moms across the country were so impressed that they actually fooled themselves into believing Crouching Tiger was a good film, and not, in fact, another steaming turd from the pockmarked bottom of director Ang Lee.

These days, rod paulsonodp8449 leads a quiet, useless life. When he's not polluting websites with his inane (and anonymous!) comments, or sending Rebecca Kleefisch his toenail clippings via certified mail, he enjoys blasting Glenn Gould's 1981 re-recording of the Goldberg Variations while watching the 1989 Fred Savage/Howie Mandel vehicle, Little Monsters.

Detroit shooting

From a myFOXdetroit.com report about a shooting and subsequent car crash on I-75:

Anonymous Commenter: Jim789

Anonymous Comment: "This is Detroit for you. Uneducated blacks carrying guns everywhere and radom shooting people. Get lost all of you AND stay away from white suburbs you guy's are nothing but trouble."

Probable Bio: Sheesh, where do you start with this pile of shit? His bald-faced racism? His disgust with the troubled city he (maybe) calls home? His use of an apostrophe in the word "guys"? Whatever his deal is, it's clear we're dealing with yet another uneducated white asshole who enjoys leaving hateful—and anonymous!—comments on radom [sic] websites. That's Detroit for you!

But seriously, folks: Jim789 is most likely a tall, muscular ex-bodybuilder who moved to the Detroit 'burbs after spending a considerable amount of time in prison. (FYI: The Barbarian Brothers don't take kindly to inappropriate fan mail.) Twice divorced and loving it, this worthless putz spends his days organizing his exhaustive collection of celebrity "nip-slip" pictures, and his nights weeping uncontrollably in the bathroom of his neighborhood Dave & Busters. While not a music buff per se, Jim789 enjoys the work of Toad the Wet Sprocket (who knew?), and oftentimes finds himself humming the melody to "The Curly Shuffle" while taking a crap. His pet peeves include dandruff, long lines at the grocery store, and Frank Langella's portrayal of Skeletor in Masters of the Universe.

Patient pregnancy

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel report on a county Mental Health Complex patient who became pregnant:

Anonymous Commenter: jinktown

Anonymous Comment: "Sounds like typical life in the get-tow. They keep having babies and we keep supporting them. End welfare NOW!"

Probable Bio: jinktown is most likely a big tub of shit who resembles the love child of a pre-weight loss Ricki Lake and a pre-death Dom DeLuise (cue uncontrollable laughter and withering looks from Burt Reynolds). In the early 90s, jinktown lost a small fortune when he took the advice of an NES copy of Taboo: The Sixth Sense and moved his illegal off-track betting operation from his two-car garage to the "Soft Play Zone" of a nearby Hardee's. His deep-seated racism was learned at an early age, thanks to a hateful, alcoholic mother and a ne'er-do-well father who published a modestly successful Yakov Smirnoff newsletter. When he isn't busy avoiding the "get-tow" (har har), jinktown enjoys eating, sweating, and those political commercials where some fucking millionaire asshole walks around in a hard hat and safety glasses.

Hip-hop treasures

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about a new hip-hop record label:

Anonymous Commenter: HouseOfCorruption

Anonymous Comment: "Garbage. Stolen music put behind misogynistic lyrics. For you hip-hop fans, you'll have to look that up. Thank god none have the education to read this paper... or the job to buy it rather than steal it off their baby momma's porch.

Before you go crying that I've stereotyped you, take a good long listen to the crap you are peddling as music."

Probable Bio: Oh, where to begin with HouseOfCorruption? His dipshit (and anonymous!) screen name? His dunderheaded dismissal of a music genre that's been utterly dominant for the past 25 years? His bland, run-of-the-mill racism he probably thinks is "edgy?" No, we begin with his grandparents.

Hailing from Moose Jaw, Canada, HouseOfCorruption's grandparents were simple folk who loved the outdoors and traveled the countryside as Stylophone players-for-hire. They also happened to be brother and sister. (Actually, their story is a lot like the beginning of that Middlesex book, except with less silk farming and more heavy petting in Saskatoon.) Fearing the wrath of the Canadian government—not to mention an easily offended Dan Aykroyd—they emigrated to the United States in the early 70s, taking their teenaged son and daughter with them. By the time the family settled down in suburban Milwaukee, son and daughter were engaging in a little moose jawing of their own, if you know what I mean, and soon found themselves parents to a baby boy. Born in 1972, this child would grow up with one burning ambition: to one day leave asinine (and anonymous!) comments on a newspaper's website.

Fast forward 38 years. HouseOfCorruption is now a divorced father of three who can accurately be described as an inbred moron. His hobbies include jet skiing, fantasy football, and fear.