Peter Tork

From a YouTube video of Peter Tork performing The Monkees' hit, "Take A Giant Step":

Anonymous Commenter: BettinaBalser

Anonymous Comment: "I dearly love Peter. The most maligned, misunderstood Monkee. Friend to Janis Joplin, Cass Elliot, Stephen Stills, Neil Young, David Crosby. Complete and total sweetheart."

Probable Bio: BettinaBalser is most likely Peter Tork.

Hip-hop treasures

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about a new hip-hop record label:

Anonymous Commenter: HouseOfCorruption

Anonymous Comment: "Garbage. Stolen music put behind misogynistic lyrics. For you hip-hop fans, you'll have to look that up. Thank god none have the education to read this paper... or the job to buy it rather than steal it off their baby momma's porch.

Before you go crying that I've stereotyped you, take a good long listen to the crap you are peddling as music."

Probable Bio: Oh, where to begin with HouseOfCorruption? His dipshit (and anonymous!) screen name? His dunderheaded dismissal of a music genre that's been utterly dominant for the past 25 years? His bland, run-of-the-mill racism he probably thinks is "edgy?" No, we begin with his grandparents.

Hailing from Moose Jaw, Canada, HouseOfCorruption's grandparents were simple folk who loved the outdoors and traveled the countryside as Stylophone players-for-hire. They also happened to be brother and sister. (Actually, their story is a lot like the beginning of that Middlesex book, except with less silk farming and more heavy petting in Saskatoon.) Fearing the wrath of the Canadian government—not to mention an easily offended Dan Aykroyd—they emigrated to the United States in the early 70s, taking their teenaged son and daughter with them. By the time the family settled down in suburban Milwaukee, son and daughter were engaging in a little moose jawing of their own, if you know what I mean, and soon found themselves parents to a baby boy. Born in 1972, this child would grow up with one burning ambition: to one day leave asinine (and anonymous!) comments on a newspaper's website.

Fast forward 38 years. HouseOfCorruption is now a divorced father of three who can accurately be described as an inbred moron. His hobbies include jet skiing, fantasy football, and fear.

Melissa Etheridge

From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's review of a Melissa Etheridge concert:

Anonymous Commenter: crivitzjack

Anonymous Comment: "If she split with her partner and they want equal rights with man and women relationships why don't we hear how their partners received half the earnings when they split?"

Probable Bio: crivitzjack is most likely a white, single male whose closest encounter with a lesbian occurred in 1991 during an afternoon screening of Jodie Foster's Little Man Tate. His name may or may not be Jack, and he may or may not be from the Wisconsin backwater of Crivitz. He is, however, most certainly a complete dipshit.