State parks

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel report on Mayor Tom Barrett's plan to waive state park fees twice a year if elected governor:

Anonymous Commenter: OneTug

Anonymous Comment: "What a moron....lets see, we the state of cheese will waive the $7 admission twice a year to lure the outdoorsie types from across the globe. Good one, left-hander, maybe we can offer a dixie cup of worms with your face on the lid. Just lovely, you are a miracle worker."

Probable Bio: OneTug is most likely a thoughtful, well-spoken gentleman who enjoys the occasional tete-a-tete with his ideological opponents. His mastery of the art of debate is matched only by his...oh, who are we kidding? This guy's a total wad.

Despite his less-than-trenchant (and anonymous!) comments, OneTug is a well-educated man. He excelled in the fine arts throughout college, and his graduate thesis, "The Hardy Boys: Why Were They Always Busting Diamond Smugglers?" received positive notices in both The Paris Review and Highlights magazine. In 1992, he married a left-handed, cross-eyed, food-phobic obstetrician 23 years his senior, finally making good on a longstanding—and incredibly specific—threat to his old man. While references to "left-handers," "miracle workers," and "tugging" might seem to suggest a preoccupation with, er, "self-abuse," the opposite is true: OneTug is actually a late-in-life, militant Straight Edger. He enjoys shitty basement shows, the early work of noted hardcore band 7 Seconds, and is totally Team Edward.