Brain drain

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel report on the perception of statewide "brain drain":

Anonymous Commenter: 911sfan

Anonymous Comment: "If you do happen to stay in Wisconsin and start a successful business you can be sure some reporter from the Milwaukke Journal will come snooping around to find out what you did wrong in order to get rich. With luck they wil win a reporting award and get an offer form a big coastal paper with double the pay. Then it will be Wisconsin in the rearview mirror. Wisconsin loves to eat the successful--bring them down a peg so everyone feels equal."

Probable Bio: We're going to go out on a limb here, and guess that 911sfan is a white, middle-aged half-wit who isn't successful, isn't rich, and isn't even trying anymore. He's a longtime resident of "Milwaukke" (no, we're not above typo humor here at AnonComm), and the living embodiment of both "voting against your interests," and "a night in Joe Buck's laundry hamper." Though he's never won a coveted "reporting award," 911sfan considers himself something of an amateur journalist, having once penned a piece for his high school newspaper entitled "Fags, Queers & That Cocksucker Who Keyed My Camaro: A Critique." In his downtime (and let's not kid ourselves, most of his time is downtime), he enjoys yard work, drooling, and haunting the waking dreams of TV's Marc Summers.

Drunk discipline

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about a county employee showing up drunk to a disciplinary hearing:

Anonymous Commenter: God Oh Mighty

Anonymous Comment: "If the guy is smart and the Union Brothers talked to him first, he should have said I drank after I got to the parking lot from a paper cup outside my car, the cup was flushed down the crapper before the meeting

Love Allah"

Probable Bio: God Oh Mighty's decidedly strange—not to mention anonymous!—comment is more puzzling than offensive, and clearly the work of a confused mind. Is this guy talking shit about unions? Sticking up for unions? What's with the "Love Allah" thing? Flushing a paper cup down "the crapper?" Listen pal, we'll handle the comedy on this site.

While we may never know his true intentions (and if we did, there's a pretty good chance they would involve Loni Anderson), we do know this for sure: God Oh Mighty is a 58-year-old man with a lantern jaw and the largest collection of "Coed Naked" shirts this side of the Mason-Dixon Line. The only child of a poor South Milwaukee seamstress and veteran character actor Don Ameche, he spent much of his early years playing "kick the can" with neighborhood friends, and the rest playing back-alley mumbley-peg with out-of-town baseball mascots. A curious child by nature, God Oh Mighty's early obsession with the mythical Sasquatch followed him into late middle-age. He's currently studying the infamous Patterson-Gimlin film, and claims if you look hard enough at frame 352, you can see a young John Lithgow taking a dump behind a tree. While certainly not book-smart in the traditional sense, God Oh Mighty is a thoughtful, voracious reader, and plans to tackle Flaubert's The Temptation of Saint Anthony just as soon as he finishes Bunnicula Strikes Again!

High-speed rail

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about the state's continued plans for a high-speed rail line:

Anonymous Commenter: Annie500

Anonymous Comment: "Evil is alive and well in the Marxist party. What part of NO don't these elitists understand. How can people vote for this human scum? They have all put destroyed the Black commuity, now the middle class is next. Socialism DOESN'T work, but to many useful idiots think they know best."

Probable Bio: First things first: Annie500 is totally a dude. You know those guys who only use female WoW characters, or create custom girl skaters with huge racks on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 (totally the best entry in the series)? That's Annie500.

Aside from some good old fashioned gender confusion, Annie500 is your typical knob. His use of such moron-friendly terms as "Marxist," "elitists," and—wait for it!—"Socialism" betrays both a stunning lack of imagination and a propensity for huffing gas. His knowledge of the "Black community" is similarly stunted, and mostly limited to that one episode where Theo gets a D. Sporadically employed for most of his adult life, Annie500 typically leaves the "Are you a convicted felon?" question on job applications blank, conveniently forgetting the time he was ejected from a Chuck E. Cheese for committing a lewd act with a skee-ball machine.

State parks

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel report on Mayor Tom Barrett's plan to waive state park fees twice a year if elected governor:

Anonymous Commenter: OneTug

Anonymous Comment: "What a moron....lets see, we the state of cheese will waive the $7 admission twice a year to lure the outdoorsie types from across the globe. Good one, left-hander, maybe we can offer a dixie cup of worms with your face on the lid. Just lovely, you are a miracle worker."

Probable Bio: OneTug is most likely a thoughtful, well-spoken gentleman who enjoys the occasional tete-a-tete with his ideological opponents. His mastery of the art of debate is matched only by his...oh, who are we kidding? This guy's a total wad.

Despite his less-than-trenchant (and anonymous!) comments, OneTug is a well-educated man. He excelled in the fine arts throughout college, and his graduate thesis, "The Hardy Boys: Why Were They Always Busting Diamond Smugglers?" received positive notices in both The Paris Review and Highlights magazine. In 1992, he married a left-handed, cross-eyed, food-phobic obstetrician 23 years his senior, finally making good on a longstanding—and incredibly specific—threat to his old man. While references to "left-handers," "miracle workers," and "tugging" might seem to suggest a preoccupation with, er, "self-abuse," the opposite is true: OneTug is actually a late-in-life, militant Straight Edger. He enjoys shitty basement shows, the early work of noted hardcore band 7 Seconds, and is totally Team Edward.

Patient pregnancy

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel report on a county Mental Health Complex patient who became pregnant:

Anonymous Commenter: jinktown

Anonymous Comment: "Sounds like typical life in the get-tow. They keep having babies and we keep supporting them. End welfare NOW!"

Probable Bio: jinktown is most likely a big tub of shit who resembles the love child of a pre-weight loss Ricki Lake and a pre-death Dom DeLuise (cue uncontrollable laughter and withering looks from Burt Reynolds). In the early 90s, jinktown lost a small fortune when he took the advice of an NES copy of Taboo: The Sixth Sense and moved his illegal off-track betting operation from his two-car garage to the "Soft Play Zone" of a nearby Hardee's. His deep-seated racism was learned at an early age, thanks to a hateful, alcoholic mother and a ne'er-do-well father who published a modestly successful Yakov Smirnoff newsletter. When he isn't busy avoiding the "get-tow" (har har), jinktown enjoys eating, sweating, and those political commercials where some fucking millionaire asshole walks around in a hard hat and safety glasses.

Piggly Wiggly

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about a Piggly Wiggly customer who called 911 after being called "fat and ugly":

Anonymous Commenter: Eseve

Anonymous Comment: "This is a story that's being published for what reason ? Drivel, waste of ink. The environmentalists should be upset for JS wasting petroleum and trees to print this."

Probable Bio: Eseve belongs to an incredibly common—and incredibly irritating—group of anonymous commenters whose only purpose in life is to question a story's newsworthiness. "How is this news?" "What's the POINT of this story?" and "Durrrrrrrrr..." are just a few of their biting zingers. When they're feeling especially feisty (and when they take a minute to pull their heads out of their asses), these odious creatures may even lob a "Go back to journalism school!" bomb. Bravo, anonymous commenters!

As for Eseve herself, she's most likely a 40-ish woman who doesn't look a day over 50-ish. A mother to two grown, clubfooted sons who still live at home, she spends her dark, lonely nights wondering why they didn't turn out like that nice Dudley Moore. In addition to leaving scathing, devastating comments on stories about state fairs and dog parades, Eseve moderates a biweekly Falcon Crest discussion group at her local Shakey's. (Program note: Robert Foxworth/Lorenzo Lamas slashfic will no longer be tolerated. We're looking at you, Joyce.)

Peter Tork

From a YouTube video of Peter Tork performing The Monkees' hit, "Take A Giant Step":

Anonymous Commenter: BettinaBalser

Anonymous Comment: "I dearly love Peter. The most maligned, misunderstood Monkee. Friend to Janis Joplin, Cass Elliot, Stephen Stills, Neil Young, David Crosby. Complete and total sweetheart."

Probable Bio: BettinaBalser is most likely Peter Tork.

Flood victims

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about volunteer efforts to assist flood victims after FEMA withheld aid:

 

Anonymous Commenter: Rdog1

Anonymous Comment: "Yeah, come on Russ! Come on "Bozo"!! Both of you, on your knees before your Sheik!!! (Or else I'll sick Michelle on you!!)

rdog"

Probably Bio: Rdog1 is most likely—stop me if you've heard this before—a white, middle-aged man who enjoys the work of Michael Crichton and collects L.A. Gear tennis shoes. He picked up the nickname "R-Dog" in high school, partly due to his propensity for barking like a dog, and partly because "La Motherfuckin' Nouvelle Vague" was already taken. A card carrying Democrat for most of his adult life, Rdog1 had a sudden change of political heart in 2006 when Neil Patrick Harris "came out." When pressed for further details, he rather cryptically explained that in a world where Doogie Howser is gay, "all bets are off." Rdog1's habit of unnecessarily signing his (anonymous!) comments is pretty adorable, and clearly the only redeeming thing about this turd. Just don't call him out on his petty racism or he'll totally "sick [sic] Michelle on you!!"

Hip-hop treasures

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about a new hip-hop record label:

Anonymous Commenter: HouseOfCorruption

Anonymous Comment: "Garbage. Stolen music put behind misogynistic lyrics. For you hip-hop fans, you'll have to look that up. Thank god none have the education to read this paper... or the job to buy it rather than steal it off their baby momma's porch.

Before you go crying that I've stereotyped you, take a good long listen to the crap you are peddling as music."

Probable Bio: Oh, where to begin with HouseOfCorruption? His dipshit (and anonymous!) screen name? His dunderheaded dismissal of a music genre that's been utterly dominant for the past 25 years? His bland, run-of-the-mill racism he probably thinks is "edgy?" No, we begin with his grandparents.

Hailing from Moose Jaw, Canada, HouseOfCorruption's grandparents were simple folk who loved the outdoors and traveled the countryside as Stylophone players-for-hire. They also happened to be brother and sister. (Actually, their story is a lot like the beginning of that Middlesex book, except with less silk farming and more heavy petting in Saskatoon.) Fearing the wrath of the Canadian government—not to mention an easily offended Dan Aykroyd—they emigrated to the United States in the early 70s, taking their teenaged son and daughter with them. By the time the family settled down in suburban Milwaukee, son and daughter were engaging in a little moose jawing of their own, if you know what I mean, and soon found themselves parents to a baby boy. Born in 1972, this child would grow up with one burning ambition: to one day leave asinine (and anonymous!) comments on a newspaper's website.

Fast forward 38 years. HouseOfCorruption is now a divorced father of three who can accurately be described as an inbred moron. His hobbies include jet skiing, fantasy football, and fear.

Mowing the lawn

From a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel story about a softball coach who decided to cut the grass in an overgrown outfield:

Anonymous Commenter: slyder

Anonymous Comment: "Before those able bodied welfare recipients git thier checks they should do one lap around the ballpark with the push mower, they would lose some weight and we would get the grass cut in the PUBLIC PARK. Way to many entitlements, not enough work getting done. Maybe some of those retired WEAC school teachers would volunteer to cut grass in their spare time while they recieve FULL PENSIONS. Don't worry the government will always take care of itself first, they could care less about the private sector. Little do they care, without the private sector they would have NOTHING"

Probable Bio: slyder is most likely a single, middle-aged, white male (shocking, I know) who fancies himself a deep thinker and smells vaguely of used dental floss. In junior high, he surreptitiously masturbated during a gymnasium screening of Walt Disney's The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, and has been a dedicated collector of Cesar Romero memorabilia ever since. A custodial job at a local retirement home led to his first romance; a brief stint in county jail following Bud Bowl VI led to his last. He currently works 25 hours a week, dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian (he's got a really great bit on "anchor babies"), and is a big, steaming piece of dog shit.

President Obama

From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's report on President Obama's impending visit to Menomonee Falls:

Anonymous Commenter: bass catcher 

Anonymous Comment: "Wait til this empty suit finds out that the High School team is the Indians, I can't believe he is visiting us proud bigots. Maybe he can visit our new non union Woodman's and screw that up like he is doing everything else. Maybe he can sign up all of our mosquitos as legal aliens so they can vote." 

Probable Bio: bass catcher is most likely a white male (duh) who peaked in high school and has never met a pair of Oakley sunglasses he didn't like. He was born with—and continues to enjoy—every advantage in life, though that doesn't stop him from being a complete dick about it. Let's be honest, his shtick is getting pretty tired, and it's only a matter of time before he meets his demise at the hands of a malfunctioning punch press. Until then, he remains a dumb motherfucker.

Melissa Etheridge

From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's review of a Melissa Etheridge concert:

Anonymous Commenter: crivitzjack

Anonymous Comment: "If she split with her partner and they want equal rights with man and women relationships why don't we hear how their partners received half the earnings when they split?"

Probable Bio: crivitzjack is most likely a white, single male whose closest encounter with a lesbian occurred in 1991 during an afternoon screening of Jodie Foster's Little Man Tate. His name may or may not be Jack, and he may or may not be from the Wisconsin backwater of Crivitz. He is, however, most certainly a complete dipshit.